Saturday, May 19, 2012

Where do the introverts go?

I've been reading "Quiet" by Susan Cain. She discusses the differences and difficulties of introverts in today's world of "GroupThink", collaboration, and "if you're good, you're boisterous" Cult of Personality. Teachers I know are seeing the results of this overweening tendency to teach kids only in group settings. Especially in college, and in courses where one needs to be able to work solo; students are lazy, clueless, and expect the teacher to lead them by the hand through every assigment, test, and homework problem. Yet people trumpet collaboration and group work from every rooftop: "collective genius!" "talkers are better leaders!" "let's get together on (everything)!" Bull. I was taught to work in groups, but I was also taught to think for myself first. I'm an introvert; in that I have to charge my own batteries, and find loud environments overwhelming very quickly. I "led" a group many years ago, only because my computer was the only one cooperating that week. Even that was like trying to herd cats: 2 argued, 1 slacked off (they took turns at this), and I managed to get enough information out of them to finish the project. My autism makes interacting with others unpredictable. I don't get subtle hints like "go away", "do better", "I'm avoiding you and hope you get the hint", or my favorite "You should just know this, without me having to tell you." This has made friendships difficult, if a relationship ever gets to that stage. It has also made serving at church hard. Everything is a group activity, even serving the other believers. Prayer group, greeters and ushers group, team teaching, drama team, worship team, broadcast team...everything is a team! I've tried a couple of areas: kids and broadcasting. I even led a "community group" for awhile. I burned out on helping the kids, broadcast was a still-unsolved mess of noncommunication, and my group dissolved because it was also a cat-herd. I've been in more other-led groups at church than I've been there in years. Groups dissolved, broke up, and moved on; once hubby and I were asked to leave and not given another group for over a year. This is the church's idea of community and prevention of the "lost in a crowd" problem, but what happens when you can't even forge connections with a small group? I've seen the problems with churches adopting the whole "listen for God in the silence" of contempletive prayer and pagan rituals disguised as worship. I do see the need for quiet study of God's Word, and personal reflection. What I don't see is where that fits into "modern" worship with its rock-n-roll hymns, group readings, and loud solos during "prayer" times. Where am I supposed to fit into the invisible band between cultural groupthink worship and deafening religious indifference?

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

First Entry

Well, here I sit, past midnight, and slogging through the third migraine since my last hospitalization. Or is it the 4th? I've lost count. I think it's a migraine...no doctor has yet said "Yes, you're having migraines." They only agree it isn't something life-threatening, like stroke or brain tumor. Yeah, well, no bull. I knew that the morning after they sent me home the first time, over 18 months ago. I have Aspergers. I have "learning disabilities." I have a host of other health oddities that don't fit any known illness, or even pattern. They only resemble known conditions. "Genetic tissue anomaly, similar to Marfan's or Sticklers, but neither of those." "Idiopathic peripheral neuropathy," fancy medical terms for "we don't have a clue why you trip and hurt, go numb, and get arthritis symptoms without joint damage". I know, I'm griping. My life has been a blend of faith, supportive family and acquaintances, mysterious health issues, bullying and emotional abuse from others, and griping. A few great people have crossed paths, but far too few it seemed, sometimes. Oh, I know I'm lucky. Many have had it far worse than I have. But knowing that means jack when you're in the middle of it. I've spent my entire life learning who I am. I may spend the rest of it learning who I'm becoming. At least I have help and tools for the journey. If you like, you can ride along as I take this into cyberspace. Like me, despise me, praise or condemn me, or don't give a hoot; I don't really care. This is my story, and I'll tell it like it is.